“…and that’s why we do anal probing. Any questions?” the short, squat, gray alien that for some reason looked exactly like Roger from American Dad asked.
“I, uh… I, uh… I, uh…” Dave stammered.
“No questions then? Excellent,” the alien said before heading towards Dave’s bedroom door. “I’ll be going then. Once again, sorry the anesthetic gas didn’t work on you. One in a million, really. Well, the swelling should go down in a couple of days. Have a good life, human.”
Dave’s ragged, sandy colored hair was plastered to his face and he tried to blink it out of his eyes as he stared at the alien in astonishment. “You’re… you’re just… just gonna leave?”
The alien turned back to the bewildered human. “Well, yes. I’m afraid your fits of anal anguish have put me behind schedule. Might I suggest a ice pack to help with the pain? As I’ve said, have a good life,” it finished before once again turning to leave.
“But… that’s it?” Dave asked, wincing in pain as he scooted out if bed. “You just probe people and leave? How is that right? No wonder nobody likes aliens.”
The alien turned back to Dave and wagged a finger at him. “That’s offensive. The whole Alien Xenophobia thing was started by your people after you knocked one of our people out of the sky! How were we supposed to know your species was the dominate one on your planet? Have you ever seen how people treat cats? Of course we thought they were in charge! Plus, they’re the ones that gave the o.k. to start probing you people!”
Dave had no idea how to respond to that, he was more of a Rocky person. Well, he would be if he could afford to feed a Rocky. “But what about me?”
The alien sighed in exasperation. “Fine,” it murmured. “If I leave you a little something will it make you feel better?”
Dave eagerly nodded his head. “Will it fix my ass?”
The alien shook it’s head. “Try soaking in a cold bath. But I can leave you one of our devices, you should like that. It has loads of blinking lights and cute noises. You people like that sort of thing, right?”
Dave shrugged his shoulders. “I guess.”
“Excellent,” the alien said cheerfully, “But if you tell anyone about it or me I’ll have to obliterate you. Ta.” And in a flash of light the alien was gone.
Dave looked around his shabby bedroom in confusion. There was nothing new. He strolled into his equally shabby living room but still didn’t see anything new. “Somebody musta spiked my weed,” he mumbled as he threw himself down on his threadbare couch and winced in pain. “So why’s my ass hurting?!” he shouted to no on and clicked on his box TV.
“From what I understand you may have received minor injuries to your rectum from a ill-prepared probing,” a voice said from the television.
“Dafuq!?” Dave gasped as he looked around frantically for the source of the voice. “Who the Hell’s there!?”
A red outline of the alien appeared in thin air right in front of him. “I did.”
“It’s you!” Dave shouted as he jumped to his feet.
“Yes,” the voice agreed, “I’m me and you’re you. How are you doing this morning?”
“My ass is aching because of you!” Dave yelled.
“I had nothing to do with your awkward anal adventure,” the alien outline said. “I’m merely an entertainment device. How may I entertain you?”
“But you’re the alien,” Dave grunted as his abused rear-end throbbed in pain, “The alien that probed me.”
“No, I am merely a holographic representation of the species that placed me here,” the hologram said very slowly as if talking to a child, “I only look like your abductor.”
Dave took several long minutes to think over what the hologram was saying to him. “You… you just… just look like him?”